CLICK HERE to submit your own entry, and to read about what others are up to as well!
Tiring
It’s been a tough year for me so far, especially in March. None of my monthly goals have been met, ironically due to ‘normal people’ sicknesses, i.e. bronchitis and dengue fever. I’ve mostly been bed bound, drained, and we’re only into the first quarter. There is a tiredness in my soul, weights thrown into the stagnant pool of my heart over the years, going nowhere.
When you get ‘normal’ sicknesses on top of your ‘regular’ daily chronic pains, life can feel like a chore in itself. Like rotten garnishing to your usual stew of issues. Getting out of bed now takes not just double the effort, but triple, maybe more. Falling asleep takes just as much effort, and can be worse due to the spikes in inflammation that comes with the night.
When you only need to deal with acute illness for a short period of time, it’s easy to persevere through the pain, knowing that there’s an end in sight. But there is no bright horizon or happily ever after with chronic illness, although yes some people do achieve remission and there are bouts of brief relief. I know that I’m not the only one out there who’s tired, and continue to find existence tiring at times. Do you feel this way sometimes as well, living with chronic illness?
Educating
I have been on pause from my web development work for so long, the scene has completely shifted by now. Of all the industries out there, it’s one of the fastest to change. I suppose that’s both a good and bad thing. If I miss years of it, I don’t even have to bother catching up on the ‘in betweens’; I simply jump to the latest programming languages and best practices.
At first I thought that if I blogged hard enough, perhaps I could get a job as a blogger or a writer at an office. But at this point in time, I think brushing up my existing coding skills, no matter how crummy or outdated they are, is for the best as well. There’s no harm in a knowledge upgrade, and with the need to constantly work from home, I am grateful that these skills are still usable.
I do need to learn new ways of doing things however, so there’s still tons of stuff left for me to self-learn, get comfortable with, and then work on. I’ve already put a client on hold for more than a month due to poor health and hospitalisation, and I feel terrible for messing up their timeline. Whilst they’re kind and understanding, I still have a responsibility to fulfil, having committed to it.
Receiving
It’s my birthday month, but I don’t feel in the least bit celebratory. As mentioned above, this tiredness pervades other aspects of your life. I can’t even be bothered to organise anything for myself, even with the usual caveat of ‘see how my health is!’. I never thought that I’d be one of those women who’d start dreading each passing year that goes by in her thirties, but when your health doesn’t look to be on the mend at all, it gets a tad depressing.
Having said that, something ‘traditional’ like attending a beautiful orchestra and dinner would be nice. Soothing music and good food – can’t go too wrong, I think? (There’s always that question mark with chronic illness, unfortunately.) But hey, such pleasures can be enjoyed any other time too, right? I know that I’m lucky that I can even consider such options.
I’ve received quite a few surprise birthday parties over the years, thanks to thoughtful friends who wanted to cheer me up. They’ve led me to the beach, showed up at my door (whilst I looked like a mess!), and gave the most thoughtful presents ever (and I never use the word ‘ever’ unless it’s really ‘ever’!). No matter how my life progresses or regresses, these are precious memories that I will forever hold dear in my heart, even if many of these friends aren’t close ones anymore.
Giving
I admit that I don’t have much to give at the moment, seeing how the year’s been going thus far. My blog has been quiet, and I’ve only been touching up some pieces from the archives that I feel might still be useful reads.
I hope that my enthusiasm for blogging and writing returns soon, or at least the writing bit. It was a cathartic process for me, and my number one joy. Perhaps I have sunk into a state of further depression, if even my favourite things aren’t bringing me joy anymore. I’ll be seeing my psychiatrist this month, and I should check in with her I suppose. I am already on all sorts of medications however, and it frustrates me whenever I need to add on to the toxic load.
Quieting
April is going to be a quiet one for me I suppose. No expectations, no goals, no pressure. I just want to let go, lie in bed (that would be the third month in a row but…), and heal my body with gentleness. Whilst I’ll need to work on some jobs I’ve committed to, I know I just need to be as still and silent as I possibly can for the rest of the time.
I don’t Netflix and chill all that much, but maybe I should finish the entire Hannibal series while enjoying a few squares of dark chocolate, with some tea or whiskey (just a tiny bit!). I want to say that I’d like to read more books, but that might insidiously be adding pressure on myself. Even good pressure feels heavy for me this month. What I know I must do, is lay my head down, and simply be still.
Thank you for reading, and I hope to read your responses for April’s prompts too! Click here to submit your own entry, and to read about what others are up to as well!
*Note: This article is meant for educational purposes and is based on the author’s personal experiences. It is not to be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols.
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Awww Sheryl, I’ve seen how trying a year you have had so far on social media. Such rotten luck to get all the ‘normal people’ illnesses to. I really think we should have an exemption card from them. I hope April brought you the quiet time that you needed as you are such a giving person, you deserve a break xx
Hi Laura, thanks so much for your kind words and compassion 🙂 April was a great recharge month for me, so seems like writing my loose thoughts and plans for the month with these prompts do have some benefits from time to time ;p I hope you’re having a fab month! x
Happy April, dear Sheryl.
I am sorry to hear that it has been a really difficult time for you. I hope that you, like many, also living with a chronic illness that this month allows you some quiet time to allow you to recharge and recuperate. And that you are able to enjoy some chocolate and time with loved ones during the Easter celebrations.
And also wishing you a very Happy Birthday month, I hope that you are able to enjoy the day and are able to do something special to celebrate in whatever capacity you are able to do so.
Best wishes
Rhiann
Thanks Rhiann! I like the idea of birthday month…it means I still have some time to enjoy it even more :p I am actually doing much better now, so I’m glad.
Happy Easter to you too, and lots of chocolate happiness! 😉 x
Hi Sheryl,
Thank you for sharing! I love your posts and your prompts and have been enjoying writing to them. I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a rough time healthwise, and empathize. I spent the fall and winter sick more frequently than usual myself, and I totally understand that feeling of’maybe I’ll just take a nap for a few days’. Being chronically ill(especially the frustration of getting ‘muggle sick’ on top of our usual symptoms) is just exhausting, and it feels like healing takes forever. You are strong, and you are getting through it. The most important thing is to keep listening to your body and not pushing too hard- and yes I know that that feels so hard especially when you value busy-ness and accomplishments – it’s something I’m still working on too! I do believe in you, and I hope that things get easier soon!
Hi Alison, thanks for your kind words and encouragement! I’m doing much better actually, just trying to maintain it! 😉 I hope you’ve been doing better these days yourself. Yea the need for long amounts of rest can be frustrating as it feels not just like a road block, but like you’re holding people around you up as well. It really is a daily practice of being mindful about the emotional aspects that are bound to be attached to that as well (really a self reminder here ;)). Sending hugs!
Awww Sheryl. This made me cry. I’m so so sorry you are having such a rotten, crappy time. It’s just not fair sometimes. I hope you can rest it out. I think a quiet time, with no pressure, no expectations, no nothing unless you feel like it sounds perfect right now. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It will pass, I know it will. I’ve had to quieten off on blogging etc lately, which of course massively frustrates me, but maybe it frees up space for other things. Or at least a quieter mind and head space for new possibilities ahead – if that makes sense! You do such wonderful work for the chronic illness community and so many of us look up to you. Don’t give yourself a hard time about anything. You’re amazing! Sorry for the waffle, you just touched a chord in me. Lots of love and healing vibes, Emma xxx
PS wishing you a happy, peaceful birthday x
Reply
Thank you so much Emma. That message really comforted and encouraged me 🙂 Please don’t cry! It really isn’t as bad as it sounds – for example I had a great day today 🙂 I wrote this entry on a rather depressing day though, so I guess it compressed everything into it. Though yes, it hasn’t been a fab year so far, I’m still doing decent enough 🙂
Yea taking a break from blogging frustrates me too. I enjoy it, but it also takes a lot of effort and energy. Hopefully the space and quieting down for a bit will recharge everything though. I feel a bit like an old battery; I do take much longer to regenerate than everyone else around me 😉
Thank you for your well wishes. I hope you are doing well yourself. Sending lots of love! xxx
It is my birthday month as well! Although it will be a mellow month.
Nice! Which date is it? 🙂 It’ll be a mellow month (maybe year…) for me too.
I’m sorry to hear about all these regular sicknesses bringing you down. 🙁 I’ve had a cold lately and can hardly find energy to do anything, but your acute illnesses are more serious. Hope you have lots of rest and healing and that you can enjoy some of the rest. 🙂
Thanks for your kind words, Ava 🙂 A cold is nothing to be trifled with when you deal with other chronic illnesses too…I know what it feels like :/ I hope you manage to squeeze in spots of rest and self-care into your mum life as well! x
I’m so sorry to hear that you have had so much to deal with on top of everything else. I hope a quiet month will help restore you a little more. x
Thank you, Anne. I’m sure it will help, although there will be some unhappy people, failed goals and disappointments. But as it goes, without good health, nothing’s good, hey? Sending you good thoughts too! x
Sheryl, I feel like after all these months of reading your blogs and following you online that you are a friend. I hate to hear that you are struggling so much. Please know that you are in my prayers. I hope that the rest you receive will heal your body, but I also pray that you get some enjoyment of time with people who love you. I have recently discovered an odd love for podcasts and audio books. I can rest my eyes and set the soothing voices on a low volume so that even on painful, low-energy days, I am still able to think, process, and be inspired. This may or may not be useful for you, but I thought I would mention it in case it does help. Hope to hear you are feeling better, soon!
Hi Jacqueline, thanks so much for your kind word and prayers 🙂 I am doing okay, it’s just that some days/weeks get you really, really down. I wrote my April entry on a really depressing day, heh.
I am happy to hear that podcasts and audiobooks are helpful for you! I’ve tried but they aren’t my cup of tea, although I’ve been engrossed in my Kindle of late in a book that would be too heavy/thick to read comfortably, so I guess that’s my distraction for now 🙂
Sending you lots of good thoughts, too!
I’m sorry that you haven’t been feeling well. 2019 has been rough for me as well, although March was a bit better. I love these prompts – especially quieting. It’s something I need to work on a bit more, both in my external environment as well as my brain.
Also, happy birthday!!
Awww Sheryl. This made me cry. I’m so so sorry you are having such a rotten, crappy time. It’s just not fair sometimes. I hope you can rest it out. I think a quiet time, with no pressure, no expectations, no nothing unless you feel like it sounds perfect right now. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It will pass, I know it will. I’ve had to quieten off on blogging etc lately, which of course massively frustrates me, but maybe it frees up space for other things. Or at least a quieter mind and head space for new possibilities ahead – if that makes sense! You do such wonderful work for the chronic illness community and so many of us look up to you. Don’t give yourself a hard time about anything. You’re amazing! Sorry for the waffle, you just touched a chord in me. Lots of love and healing vibes, Emma xxx
PS wishing you a happy, peaceful birthday x
Hi Maya, I’m sorry to hear that 2019 hasn’t been too nice to you, either :/ Surprisingly people seem to quite like this month’s prompts – I thought they might be tough ones to write about! I am always surprised, in that sense 🙂
I too, need to work on quieting my external and internal environments, and listen to what I’m really saying to myself.
Thanks for continuing to give us the linkup opportunity while your health is undergoing so many processes of illness and healing. I think your Netflix and chill with whiskey plan is a keeper. Anyway its medicinal whiskey. I am sorry to hear you’ve been battling all those curveballs I hope the rest and your birthday orchestra fill your heart to the brim. Take care! Niamh xx
Aww, thanks Niamh! I do wonder every month, ‘will I make it in time to release next month’s prompts?!’. But the backup plan anyway will probably be to release them anyway, without sharing my own experience if the month gets real bad 🙂
Yea, curveballs are no fun, but they keep life ‘interesting’ I guess. And I like your perspective of medicinal whiskey 😉 We all need breaks from different parts of life from time to time I suppose. I hope you are coping well yourself x
So sorry for all the extra illness you’ve been going through. It just stinks when more piles on you. Hoping your time of rest will help your body recover and bring renewed strength and hope. Thinking of you!
Hi Selina, thank you. Am rest extra rest time will help, and it does happen to us all unfortunately hey! Let’s hope the year gets more awesome for us all from here on 😉
You’ve had such a difficult time recently, Sheryl. I hope that April does bring some quiet time so you can recharge your batteries. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Liz. It’s been trying, I’d say, therefore the need for even more (endless heh) rest! Let’s hope we all gain more health and energy as the year goes on 😉