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It’s been a tough year for me so far, especially in March. None of my monthly goals have been met, ironically due to ‘normal people’ sicknesses, i.e. bronchitis and dengue fever. I’ve mostly been bed bound, drained, and we’re only into the first quarter. There is a tiredness in my soul, weights thrown into the stagnant pool of my heart over the years, going nowhere.
When you get ‘normal’ sicknesses on top of your ‘regular’ daily chronic pains, life can feel like a chore in itself. Like rotten garnishing to your usual stew of issues. Getting out of bed now takes not just double the effort, but triple, maybe more. Falling asleep takes just as much effort, and can be worse due to the spikes in inflammation that comes with the night.
When you only need to deal with acute illness for a short period of time, it’s easy to persevere through the pain, knowing that there’s an end in sight. But there is no bright horizon or happily ever after with chronic illness, although yes some people do achieve remission and there are bouts of brief relief. I know that I’m not the only one out there who’s tired, and continue to find existence tiring at times. Do you feel this way sometimes as well, living with chronic illness?
I have been on pause from my web development work for so long, the scene has completely shifted by now. Of all the industries out there, it’s one of the fastest to change. I suppose that’s both a good and bad thing. If I miss years of it, I don’t even have to bother catching up on the ‘in betweens’; I simply jump to the latest programming languages and best practices.
At first I thought that if I blogged hard enough, perhaps I could get a job as a blogger or a writer at an office. But at this point in time, I think brushing up my existing coding skills, no matter how crummy or outdated they are, is for the best as well. There’s no harm in a knowledge upgrade, and with the need to constantly work from home, I am grateful that these skills are still usable.
I do need to learn new ways of doing things however, so there’s still tons of stuff left for me to self-learn, get comfortable with, and then work on. I’ve already put a client on hold for more than a month due to poor health and hospitalisation, and I feel terrible for messing up their timeline. Whilst they’re kind and understanding, I still have a responsibility to fulfil, having committed to it.
It’s my birthday month, but I don’t feel in the least bit celebratory. As mentioned above, this tiredness pervades other aspects of your life. I can’t even be bothered to organise anything for myself, even with the usual caveat of ‘see how my health is!’. I never thought that I’d be one of those women who’d start dreading each passing year that goes by in her thirties, but when your health doesn’t look to be on the mend at all, it gets a tad depressing.
Having said that, something ‘traditional’ like attending a beautiful orchestra and dinner would be nice. Soothing music and good food – can’t go too wrong, I think? (There’s always that question mark with chronic illness, unfortunately.) But hey, such pleasures can be enjoyed any other time too, right? I know that I’m lucky that I can even consider such options.
I’ve received quite a few surprise birthday parties over the years, thanks to thoughtful friends who wanted to cheer me up. They’ve led me to the beach, showed up at my door (whilst I looked like a mess!), and gave the most thoughtful presents ever (and I never use the word ‘ever’ unless it’s really ‘ever’!). No matter how my life progresses or regresses, these are precious memories that I will forever hold dear in my heart, even if many of these friends aren’t close ones anymore.
I admit that I don’t have much to give at the moment, seeing how the year’s been going thus far. My blog has been quiet, and I’ve only been touching up some pieces from the archives that I feel might still be useful reads.
I hope that my enthusiasm for blogging and writing returns soon, or at least the writing bit. It was a cathartic process for me, and my number one joy. Perhaps I have sunk into a state of further depression, if even my favourite things aren’t bringing me joy anymore. I’ll be seeing my psychiatrist this month, and I should check in with her I suppose. I am already on all sorts of medications however, and it frustrates me whenever I need to add on to the toxic load.
April is going to be a quiet one for me I suppose. No expectations, no goals, no pressure. I just want to let go, lie in bed (that would be the third month in a row but…), and heal my body with gentleness. Whilst I’ll need to work on some jobs I’ve committed to, I know I just need to be as still and silent as I possibly can for the rest of the time.
I don’t Netflix and chill all that much, but maybe I should finish the entire Hannibal series while enjoying a few squares of dark chocolate, with some tea or whiskey (just a tiny bit!). I want to say that I’d like to read more books, but that might insidiously be adding pressure on myself. Even good pressure feels heavy for me this month. What I know I must do, is lay my head down, and simply be still.
Thank you for reading, and I hope to read your responses for April’s prompts too! Click here to submit your own entry, and to read about what others are up to as well!
*Note: This article is meant for educational purposes and is based on the author’s personal experiences. It is not to be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols.
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