Table of Contents
Trying to Stabilise Anxiety & Depression
I’ve been feeling out of sorts of late, that’s for sure. My emotions are chaotic and all over the place, as I’m seized by anxiety and depression simultaneously. I had backslid to my suicidal ideation state, so I knew I had to call my psychiatrist asap. My antidepressant dosages have gone up, as my psychiatrist thinks that I need to stabilise the anxiety and panic attacks first. How did this come to be? Was it all of a sudden? What were the triggers?
Triggers Trigger Triggers
I believe it was a cascade of events that pressed each others’ buttons and set it off in a final firecracker display. At first it was a month of work-related stress. I was excited about getting some income, but perhaps that job in particular wasn’t good for my stress levels. Something for me to bear in mind in future – even though history does repeat itself every now and again. I can’t help it when I start feeling better.
It’s been six weeks since then and I’m only just recovering from this single, gruelling work-related stress episode. It’s been painful physically, mentally and my fatigue levels have been off the charts. I can sleep 10 hours a day and still feel exhausted, yet my sleep quality has been poor and I’ve been up itching every night.
Locked Down and in
Buying or renting a house in Singapore is ridiculously expensive. And with all my health bills to pay, I can’t afford that, and so I live with my parents. The standard house in Singapore is small compared to what others overseas might be used to. This means that I face my parents all day long and we are within a few arms’ reach all day, working in the same space. This too, had a huge impact on my mental health.
So what I tried to do was to run to cafés to work nearly every day, for long periods of time. This exhausted me further physically, and though I’d come home all achy, it was still better in my mind than being trapped at home. I know that I sound like a spoilt brat, but there I said it.
The Need to Improve My Diet & Lifestyle
I’ve been faced with all sorts of temptations of late, too. Unhealthy and addictive late-night snacking – I’ve gained too much belly weight and am skinny fat. But I’ve been trying to mend that by regulating my grocery orders and planning my meals a little bit more.
I don’t eat the same pre-cooked meals as my parents all the time now. It’s easier to be more precise as to what goes into my body when I prepare my own meals. Looking at Claire’s low histamine recipes and Shruti’s diet for endometriosis have inspired me to eat a little better, and to treat my body with more respect. Hanging with the right crowd (yes, even online!), does help to inspire me to better myself in more ways than one.
I often feel guilty because I don’t do enough to keep myself healthy as compared to others with chronic illness, even though I still live with daily pains. Sometimes it feels like I deserve the pain because I’m not taking care of myself as well as others with chronic illnesses.
Thoughts on Business & Street Smarts
Finally, I’ve been running away from launching my business website for far too long. I keep tweaking it, trying to find that right angle, and whatnot. And I know that when I launch, business isn’t even going to start pouring in immediately and that it’d take some time and effort. So I really need to press that launch button and learn from there.
I admire people (like my friend, Eunice, and my sister, Shereen) who can just dive head in and learn on the go. I tend to plan and research and make sure the stars align before I do that perfect launch. I feel uncomfortable going into work not being an expert, as if I were an imposter.
Winging It and Making It
To illustrate, my sister started a canvas printing business with zero knowledge about it; she didn’t even know what a pixel was. But she managed to do pretty well! And my friend Eunice when we were back in school, applied for a job in setting up displays for events, and stated that she had experience when she had none. But she winged it and even managed to rope me in as per her boss’s request for more hands on deck.
They’re both really street smart. Me? I’ve always been the more book smart one with the better grades – but that doesn’t get you that far in life, does it? Regardless, I do enjoy my books and texts and writing – and am not going to stray far from them, don’t you worry!
This is a bit of a sketchy, poorly written entry this month. I’ve been a little burned out from blogging and maintaining all the network and social media communities online. I’ve also been attending courses to obtain my Digital Marketing Strategist certification, and trying to get my business site launched.
How are the rest of you doing? Hope to hear from you, too x
*Note: This article is meant for educational purposes and is based on the author’s personal experiences. It is not to be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols.
If you liked this article, sign up for our mailing list so you don’t miss out on our latest posts! You will also receive an e-book full of uplifting messages, quotes and illustrations, as a token of appreciation!
Pin to Your Writing Community & Chronic Life Boards:
Ah, Sheryl, I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been struggling. I agree with you – the stresses and triggers can just pile up until it’s all too much, even though each thing might not seem like a big deal on its own.
We are very fortunate – our 26-year -old son has been living at home with us the past 18 months or so, but we have a large house, so we can all spread out a bit – REALLY comes in handy with the pandemic and my husband working from home all the time now!
Just being able to think it through and write about it, as you have done here, can often help – you are identifying and acknowledging the issues instead of burying them. So, I hope writing this post has helped you – I’m sure it will help others, too!
Rest and take care of yourself!
New Book: Finding a New Normal: Living Your Best Life with Chronic Illness
I think your post was just perfect as it was. I always get something out of reading your posts. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who struggles. Gentle hugs coming your way across the globe.
I so know what you mean by just going for it rather than constantly tweaking for a certain level of perfection even before you hit the launch button. I’ve had to really let that go with my blog and I’m glad I did. I don’t mind learn as I go because doesn’t that happen regardless at what stage you’re at? In fact by waiting for perfection we’re probably slowing/delaying the practical, on-the-job-learning experience.
Don’t think too much – just go for it Sheryl.
(and… nope this is not poorly written for sure!)
*hugs* Sheryl, a self-aware processing of what’s on your plate, if overly harsh on yourself!
You don’t sound like a spoiled brat, you sound like a woman finding the right ways to cope with living with her parents. There is definitely a loss of freedom in that, and alone can be unbalancing.
There are always going to be people who are worse off than you and people who are better-off. That doesn’t make your own struggles less significant for you. Using gratitude for what you do have can help you feel better, but guilting yourself that others may have it worse doesn’t help anybody.
On the food front, I get it, and improving your diet isn’t a bad thing, but beating yourself up just makes your own journey harder.
Reading this, I can hear the voice of depression in there, and want to reassure you that this too shall pass. You deserve happiness, and you can and will get back to it. May that return journey be as healthy and short as possible!
Aww thanks Alison. You are always so sweet 🙂 It definitely can be a challenge living with others in a small space! Thanks for your kind words. And you’re probably right…the depression has been strong of late, but getting better with less stress and medication. Hope you are doing well yourself!
Sheryl, this is not badly written! It’s honest and real, and that’s what makes for good writing!! I’m sorry the past month has been so tough. Living with others is always so challenging isn’t it, especiallly when cooped up due to lockdown.
However, some tough love (from your online friend!!) – you absolutely do not deserve any one of your symptoms or conditions. None of us do. Life with chronic illness is hard and we all have different ways of coping.
And thank you for the shoutout 🙂 I have learnt so much from you and others in the community, and am always so thankful for the support.
Thank you for the kind words lovely. I wrote it without polishing it as per usual, heh. And I think I sound like an absolute spoilt brat! I should be grateful I have a family, a roof, I know 🙂
Hahaha…thank you online friend. I think I chat with you more than some friends in real life even these days since we’re so used to online communication! x
This is the opposite of poorly written. Maybe not as poetic as some of yours can be, but still honest and touches the heart. You show that even though we can know all the right things that help us to live our best, it’s really a lot to ask when we have all these things to deal with. You know this already, but you expect so much of yourself. Please, put yourself first. Sending you much love.
Thank you for your honest and kind words, my friend. Yes guilt can be huge with chronic illness, but I still feel like often I could be trying harder. Sending hugs!
I understand completely. I think we are so alike in so many ways. I’m so glad that you are my friend in this blogosphere of life with chronic illness:)