BlogTips & Insights

Why it Feels Like Suicide is Always an Option

Why it Feels Like Suicide is Always an Option - Click to read or pin to save for later -

*Trigger Warning: This post is about chronic illness and thoughts on suicide, and may be potentially triggering. Here is a list suicide hotlines to contact if you need help:

Worldwide Suicide Hotlines -

The Fears of Aging with Sickness

While I did not ask others with chronic illness how they feel about this, I know that many of us share the same sentiments. It feels like suicide is always an option on the table. And putting suicide aside, the number one cause of death in the world is due to chronic illness as well.

We are living out that rainy day scenario others are saving up for. Modern medicine combined with pieces of complementary therapies is like an umbrella. But one that is never big enough to shield us completely from the downpour. My lovely caregivers are also getting older by the day, and everyone grows naturally weaker with age.

Suicide as a ‘Retirement Plan’

I am somewhat calm about my future, because my ‘retirement plan’ is suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, and will live my days out to the best of my ability. But I do not own any material necessities such as a house, and have no spare change for anything. I live day-to-day, hand to mouth, not by choice. Should it ever reach a point where I’m old, homeless, alone and without any pain relief or medical support (because that costs a lot of money, of course), then suicide seems like a logical choice.

Some of you might label me as a loser, or judge me for my negativity. This might be true to some extent, but I know that I’m definitely not the only one out there with this thought. Death by chronic illness is a real problem that needs addressing, not brushed aside and undermined. If you truly care about someone who lives in permanent pain, then listen to them beyond the surface. Don’t hush them for being ‘morbid’ or silly, or because it makes you (not them) feel uncomfortable. If you’ve never reached the stage where you’d rather choose a painless death over a sudden fulfilment of your biggest dream, then you don’t quite understand.

The Ideal Society

It would make sense if the government gave chronic patients more direct access to the best medical care. These illnesses are complex and individual in nature, which require specialised care. Basic healthcare is next to useless for us, because the drugs we need are non-standard and customised. Regular assessments reveal little new insight as well. I never visit general practitioners anymore unless I know what the problem is, and what medications I need from them. Otherwise they refer me back to the emergency department anyway.

By the way, I discovered that there actually is a term for this:

Though not widespread, V-BID is not new. It was pioneered nearly 20 years ago by Dr. Mark Fendrick

Chronic illness patients who may be considering suicide are not doing so because they are weak. We have been fighting for a long time, some of us since birth, and it would take a toll on anyone. It would be nice if we had proper financial reassurance, physical support, and lived in a more compassionate and understanding society. I believe that most of us would actually choose to fight on despite the daily crippling pain if we did. I am not even referring to intricate science or fancy terminology, but basic empathy. A doable thing at any given moment. Is that too much to ask for?

If you liked this article, sign up for our mailing list so you don’t miss out on our latest posts! You will also receive an e-book full of uplifting messages, quotes and illustrations, as a token of appreciation!

    For More Insight:

  1. Study Shows Having a Chronic Illness Increases Your Risk of Dying By Suicide (article on
  2. An Important Question to Ask If You Feel Suicidal (article on
  3. Confessions of person with chronic pain (article on
  4. Chronic Pain and Suicide (article on
  5. It’s OK to Talk About Suicide (article on
  6. When You’re in the Gray Area of Being Suicidal (article on
  7. Suicide is not chosen (article on
  8. Why You Should Avoid Suicide and Read This Blog Post (article on
  9. “If I’m Suicidal, Why Should I Keep Living?” (article on
  10. [TW] Suicidal With A Phobia Of Death (
Pin It:
Many people who suffer from chronic pain think about suicide from time to time. It's a real problem that needs addressing, so let's talk about it. Click to read or pin to save for later. ////////// suicide awareness / mental health / chronic pain / spoonie #suicideprevention #depression #chronicillness


  • I have a chronic illness which requires transplantation which has failed for me twice. I have made the decision to end my life. No one knows and I don’t think I will tell them. The only reason i haven’t gone through with it yet is i have German shepherd who I absolutely adore and couldn’t leave him by himself. So the day he leaves me I will be leaving this world.

    The only reason I’m writing this is I needed to get it off my chest.

    • Hi Robert, I’m glad you’re sharing your thoughts somewhere, at least. I really hope you can hang in there, even though I don’t know you. Perhaps you could get another dog when your German shepherd leaves? Dogs and the love, loyalty and companionship they bring can really make life so meaningful. Sending good thoughts your way.

  • I have been thinking about suicide a lot but dont know what will work. Beachy head is where I want to go but I am afraid of it not working. I cannot go on any longer.

  • This is something I feel so often, but never had the courage to share. Thank you for sharing. Just the idea of dealing with chronic illness for the rest of my life terrifies me. Another fear of mine is not being able to have a “normal” job or do things that I love. I set high standards for myself and I hate relying on people, and having to accept things that I can’t do and accepting that I need to rely on others has been very upsetting, especially as I get older.

    • Hi Lauren, thank you for taking the courage to share your thoughts here. Yes it’s terrifying isn’t it? Then I worry what if people around me get tired of helping me out, and then I’m old and in pain and all alone haha. What others see as ‘normal’ is probably high standards for us. But over the years I’ve also learnt how to accept help, because we TRULY need it. We’re not faking it or being wusses 🙂 Sending lots of hugs!

  • Hey-
    Totally feeling you on this! I also have a chronic pain condition and have had the same ‘suicide as a retirement plan option” for many years. I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, but as soon as I feel that my illness is becoming too much to deal with and I simply cannot cope anymore, I will probably end it all. Committing suicide isn’t as easy as one might think, however, and needs to be thought out properly to avoid the possibility of ‘being saved’ or long-term damage. I don’t want to be saved if I honestly believe that there is nothing for me to live for anymore.
    You seem like a really nice and brave soul-keep up the awesome work! Sending some loving thoughts your way.

    • Hi Anna, thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with us. I truly hope you’ll be able to hang on for life (and I personally do know how tough that can be!). Please seek help if you ever feel like you’re at that stage in life. If professional help is something that you can’t go for, there are also many online support groups and therapists – but it’s important to find the right one! Wishing you all the best, and you are welcome to this blog anytime.

  • I’m so grateful to you for putting this out there. I became chronically ill in 2001 and have gone broke looking for accurate diagnoses and treatment, none of which is covered by my insurance. At 55 I now have multiple conditions that guarantee a slow, painful death. I’m hoping you or others would be willing to share your plan for when the time comes. I’ve done a lot of research and am struggling. Not afraid of dying, afraid of being alone and of course failing. I know what method has the greatest success rate but it’s very violent and I’d have you move to another state for access. If I survive I don’t want to end up in a nursing home there. If you prefer talking with email that’s fine. I’ve just finished the dnr, will, health care proxy. I’m tired. It’s time up go. Thanks.

    • Hello, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I’m sorry to hear of all the pain you’ve been going through for so long, especially at that age I can imagine it’d be even tougher 🙁 I really don’t have a plan for when that time comes, but I do believe we need to simply hang on to life because that’s the right thing to do, no matter the state of current mind (which can be deceptive at times!). Here’s another post I wrote that might explain why a little bit more:

      I wish you all the best, and you are most welcome to visit the blog or get in touch anytime. xx

  • There is a book called “The Peaceful Pill”.

    • Suicide is not the ideal option, but not all are given any options. Consider carefully any and all alternatives.

  • The only pain we can ever know is our own, and therefore we have no right to judge another person’s response to their own pain, a pain that we will never feel or understand.

    My pre-illness life seems like a strange dream, and sometimes I feel like a ghost, trapped in the land of the living. I’ve made peace with my mortallity, and if it does eventually come down to suicide, as long as I can go without any bitterness in my heart, I think I’ll be okay.

    I’ve come to believe that hope is a finite resource, and there’s no shame in running out of hope. And I think it’s important not to fight the shadows in our souls; we should allow ourselves to feel the absolute rawness of the situation.

    As a fellow young spoonie, I’m glad I discovered your blog. Hello from midwest America! (Oh I would love to live in Singapore)

    • Dear J Lee,

      I love how you put it so eloquently; my article is trying to capture what you just said as well 🙂 I agree that hope can be a finite resource, but that’s okay, too. When I allow myself to feel and to just simply carry on, strangely there is a sense of comfort in that for me. I wish you all the best, and I would love to live somewhere with four season ;p

  • Thank you for being so open. This post and the conversation in the comments is comforting in that it shows me that these thoughts I have – as a person living with a host of very difficult chronic illnesses – are normal and valid. I can hold these thoughts and feelings with a lighter grasp knowing that I don’t need to jusdge them or vanquish them. They are with me, this is an option. I am working on living and the living is very hard and too little and some day I might say enough, I need to end this. I have very good medical care, a partner, an accessible city…but my pain conditions and chronic illness have not been significantly helped. So I struggle mightily to live this life in this troubled body. I often think/feel it is too hard and there is not enough good and I need to end my life. I question if I need to be brave enough to end my life or brave enough to stay. Right now, I am trying to stay.

    • Hi D. Jones,

      Thank you for reading, and apologies for the late reply as I’m currently travelling for the hols! I wanted to say that yes, your thoughts are completely valid and normal; having spoken to others with various chronic illnesses, and watching films, this thought is a recurring one that society suppresses because it’s a ‘bad thought’. But still, it’s there, and is something I believe must be addressed. I believe that so many could have been saved if only someone listened to them, and believed them.

      Also, I think sometimes ‘having it all’ in terms of good healthcare, relationships, etc can make these thoughts harder to deal with as then, there is an added element of guilt – like you’re not allowed or supposed to have such thoughts because ‘you have it so much better than the rest’. Regardless of what we have, pain is pain, and we are all human at the end of the day.

      In regards to your last statement, I actually have a post in the works addressing that 🙂 I’d encourage you to stay, even though I too, struggle. At the end of the day, deep down we kind of know that’s the right thing to do. Have a peaceful new year x

      • Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate how you’re engaging with people here.

        It’s true, I do sometimes feel guilty for feeling so low and hopeless and not able to cope given that I had a supportive partner and friends and others don’t. What I struggle with more – and what I was referring to above – is the fact that I have accessed many, many treatments and medications and have had excellent care over the years and noting has helped. I don’t tolerate meds or trigger point injections or infusions. No pain relief ever. So many years of trying. So many supplements and diets. So, I need relief and keep trying but I don’t get it. What happens then? Clinics have run out of options for me. I have full body intense pain and it has gotten worse over the years and new conditions are popping up. My body is so troubled and my mind is as well. I do struggle with all the levels of the truth of this and if I can keep going.

        I’m glad you have a deep down sense of wanting to live. I want to live but this life I have is very hard and exhausting…so, deep down, I am actually not sure what is true or right.

        • I understand where you’re coming from, I really do. To be honest, my psychiatric meds played a huge role in stabilising my thoughts as well.

          I really have no advice for you, I’m sure you’ve heard it all. All I can say is that I hope this blog and space provides an outlet for you to share your thoughts anytime you wish, and to know that there are many others out there who understand what you’re going through as well. x

  • I find myself saying, “I don’t want to play this game anymore.” It’s never been fun, but when the days stack up and fun seems too far away to grasp, I’m just tired of playing. Can it be as simple as checking out, and hoping things are better the next time around the circle?

    • I don’t think so. I really have no advice but from my heart to yours, I really believe that you should hang in there. I hope you have a decent Christmas x

  • Kudos to you for talking about an issue which is the elephant in the room. It is 2017 and we are still not able to have a rational talk about euthanasia without extreme reactions from either side.

    So far, Switzerland seems to be the only place which holds out for chronic pain patients who do not have any hope of any way to reduce their suffering.

    Suicide is not that easy an option. According to online statistics (which I have to take with a pinch of salt, but will that is all we have), more people fail than succeed at suicide.

    I really wish there would be some kind of an institution for chronic pain patients. Just like long-term care homes. That will then provide legal documentation about the state of the patient and hopefully facilitate the process of euthanasia.

    Do you know of any groups that support euthanasia that can provide support across countries. Right now every group is restricted to their own country which means all of us are fighting in isolation. Having a common pattern of arguments and sharing notes on how to persuade lawmakers across different countries (assuming Of course, there is no dictatorship and there are people may actually listen) will help.

    There should really be more blog posts of this kind. Thank you again for bringing this up

    • Hello,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts! Yes I too think it’s such a ‘heavy’ hidden topic that really needs more attention, for the simple fact that it affects more people than we care to believe!

      And society tends to think that suicide is shameful and stupid. In Singapore it’s illegal to take your own life. This just reflects how misunderstood a topic it can be.

      And no I don’t know if there’s any group that supports cross countries, but I can understand why. Death is a taboo topic in many cultures. And like you, I also wish there was some kind of institution for chronic pain patients who are suffering badly all day, every day.

  • I also suffer with chronic illness and I totally agree with your blog. One thing I plan to do soon as we are making up our wills and such is for End of life directives to be a DNR.
    I have suffered so much that if my heart wants to give out I want out. I am still a little on the fence about this decision but want to do this.
    If anyone else does this realize that resuscitation is not the only way to be kept alive. A friend’s mother was DNR but my friend overrode it by having the doctor give her medication that increased her blood pressure.
    She lived a terrible life after that until she finally passed years after that.
    I hope that this comment is not available for public view. It is not a subject I want others to know about. except here.

    • Hi Carol,

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts as a chronic illness person too. I believe that every person that speaks up helps to strength our overall voice in society, and also helps speak up for those who can’t do so. I wish you all the best! x

  • I am not chronically ill, the challenges regarding which you have so eloquently described, but have stared down depression my entire life. I am 55 years old, unmarried, have no children or wife — because I chose never to burden anyone with my depression — and have been laid off three times in the last three years.

    I am tired. I had financial plans, pursued work that was satisfying and suited my talents but did not pay well. And I NEVER complained; NEVER whined when it all, ultimately failed. I have NEVER BURDENED ANYONE in my life. I managed my feelings myself, and never drank or took drugs. I coped inside. But now I am tired.

    Were I to commit suicide it would free up resources, housing, Social Security, reduce a carbon footprint, etc. It is a net benefit. I never tell people of my feelings because they would say, “weakling…just work harder…don’t whine…”

    But that’s the point, I have worked harder, I haven’t given in, and I never whined to anyone, and it all got worse and worse. I can no longer find work, no health insurance, housing in the SF area is $3000 a month for a studio, $1000 to rent a room. I am basically old and unemployable in my hometown.

    And so, the time draws closer when I’ll just sell or give way my stuff, clear out my retail room, settle my finances so what little there is goes automatically to where I desire. And yet it makes me very happy because I feel as if I am finally in control. Ending my life is the ONLY thing ENTIRELY within my control; isn’t that odd? And it gives me intense calm just thinking about that fact. Thus, the more I think about it, the calmer I get and am therefore able to cope. The promise of suicide keeps me going.

    • Hi Michael,

      First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your life situation. I know you are not looking for any sympathy at all, but where you’re at is definitely not a good place to be. Also, hats off to you for not wanting to burden anyone, even if they don’t look at it that way. We all deal with situations differently, and I can respect that.

      Just curious…do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist for your depression? I wanted to say it really made a difference in my life – seeing one of each. Now I only need the psychiatrist; it’s a bit of a complicated cycle with chronic illness, meds and mental health, but we won’t go into that 😉 But I’ve also learned that we all need help at some point in our life – whether we’re sick or not (and depression is a chronic illness of a form too – it is never going to go away, but can be managed in some ways).

      And I know exactly what you mean when you say that suicide feels like a relief; I guess that is what my article is trying to say, too. I don’t think ‘the promise of suicide’ keeps you going, rather, it’s ‘the promise of a way out’, which is symbolic of hope. It’s like there’s so much shit going on around, but death is that light at the corner that’s always there, and the only thing you know how to find with certainty.

      I truly hope you continue to keep up the good fight Michael. I know it may seem shitty, and honestly I’m in no position to give you any advice. But “hang in there” is all I can say. Keep me updated 🙂

  • I empathize with your pain. I am fortunate enough not to be diagnosed with a chronic illness yet, but at my age one never knows. One of our dearest friends chose the suicide option. We would have been happy to take care of him, since he had no family within thousands of miles. He had no medical insurance and suspected he had brain cancer. He did not bother to tell us that. We surmised it. He had always told us he would not die of a terminal illness, but I wish he’d told us his thoughts or at least seen a doctor instead of diagnosing himself on the internet. His symptoms may have been caused by something that could be fixed with medication. We had told him many times we would help him through problems and we always had in the past. But he was proud and did not want to be dependent on others. I’m sure he also thought watching him die slowly would have been hard on us, since he knew we loved him. We miss him terribly, since he as like a second son to us.

    I would urge people to be sure of their facts before ending their lives on a suspicion. If there is someone you believe loves you, and that includes friends and family, reach out to them and give them a chance to love you by helping you through your dark night. Don’t die because you are afraid to inconvenience someone who will miss you every day if you leave them. If you still feel there is no other answer, please leave them a note and explain why you made your decision so they won’t always wonder what they might have done to change your mind and blame themselves for your death.

    • Hi Barbara,

      Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. It really is a tragedy when such an event happens, especially when it’s from reading off the internet, like you said! 🙁

      What I was writing about was more in relation to ending suffering, and not so much due to fear of bothering others. I think as someone who’s been ill for over 10 years, you learn above all to swallow your pride and accept help, and that that’s not a bad thing, really. Perhaps being ill at an older age can be a harder pill to swallow too, I’m not sure.

      In any case, I’m sorry to hear about your story once again. I wish too that he would have at least sought some help first.

  • I never talk about this subject because it causes great concern to my parents who are my caretakers. Thankfully I do have a home and I do receive money each month from Social Security Disability, but after my parents are gone, I will have nobody to help me. I have three brothers who live within 5 minutes of me but they are not interested in helping me even if it’s just something simple, even if I bed them which a I loathe doing. I used to be so strong and independent. I am a Christian and therefore we are to believe that each life has a purpose but it is awfully hard when each day is so full of pain with no relief in sight. I find no fault with suicide as a retirement plan. I believe that I will see my loved ones in Heaven so the thought of suicide doesn’t bother me much at all. Thank you for posting this, Sheryl.

    • Hi Shelley,

      Thank you for taking the time to read, and also to share your life with us here. It’s sad when family doesn’t feel like family – I get the feeling, too. We don’t have Disability here, so I’m not sure how I’m going to survive when I’m older, but hey, one day at a time, right? 🙂 And understandably, our parents come from a generation that is probably more prone to the stigma surrounding suicide, so they may just be of a different mindset, but ultimately it comes from a place of love. I wish you well as you continue to thrive on this journey! x

  • Suicide as a retirement Plan… This makes me think.

  • As always, you handled this with such wisdom, insight, realism, and sensitivity.

    • Thank you Stacey for your support and kind words as always 🙂 Looking forward to your next post too, I always enjoy reading them!

  • “It’s just a quiet mutual understanding.” TRUTH

  • I think about suicide a lot. It’s almost comforting in a way to know I’m not the only one thinking this way.

    • Yes I think so too 🙂 Like an unspoken understanding where we don’t have to explain at all, that’s why it’s so comforting. Not that we’re encouraging each other (for any other person reading this out there), but it’s just a quiet, mutual understanding.

  • I could not agree more and also have an end of life plan in place!

Join the discussion

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *