Have you ever thought to yourself that it’s not a good day today, and then watch your mind and body spiral downwards helplessly? These feelings are all part of the human experience, no matter age, gender, circumstance, health or wealth. You are not alone.
What I hope to illustrate with this post is the humanity that resides deep within every single one of us. I hope to reach out to anyone who’s sick or otherwise, and feels like today is not a good day. Who is feeling beaten, broken, sore, down or defeated.
Hang in there. I and many others are thinking of you, rooting for you and wishing you well. Depression is an insidious beast. Don’t let it fool you into thinking that if it’s not a good day, then you must be a bad person or a burden to those around you.
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Today is Not a Good Day to Make Decisions
It is one of those dull days where food has lost all appeal, and I am unable to eat. In the process, it starves my mind of energy. Simple questions morph into complex equations that require colossal effort to answer.
I should eat, but I don’t know what, and I don’t know if I can. I should work, but my mind is a blur as it keeps readjusting its focus; the fog in my brain is unsubstantial and therefore impossible to fight.
I feel nothing. I feel weight. The weight of nothing bearing down on my chest, crushing against my lungs. Breathing requires conscious effort, as my body has forgotten its natural rhythm.
I feel drowsy and with that, a little high. My body digs into its reserves and conjures pleasure for payment, for the delinquent pain that has overstayed its welcome.
I feel drained of all emotion, yet I sob with grief. The cause is unknown. I feel numb yet anxious, a paradox reflecting the discord between mind and body. Anxiety has burrowed itself deep into my stomach, taunting me from within myself. I wish I could punch my gut to be rid of it.
I lie in bed and stare at the wall. I sit on the sofa and stare at the floor. I do all the things that I have to do, tasks that other people expect of me. My own needs can wait, as the need to not deal is bigger than that.
My thoughts are mush; I drag them in a net through a marsh. I wade for the sake of wading, breathe for the sake of breathing. To waste some time to arrive at nightfall. To sleep in hope of waking up to a better tomorrow. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
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Today is Not a Good Day, So be Kind to Yourself
Today is not a good day to make decisions, and that’s okay. No need to reprimand or correct yourself, it will not change anything.
Save that energy to complete any necessary tasks for the day – you will need it. If there is no pressing matter at hand, then give yourself the day off to do absolutely nothing. It isn’t a crime. Don’t feel guilty about it, be kind to yourself.
Just cruise along without judgment, and release all the rules your ego has made up. “Don’t pity yourself.” Fuck that. “You should be doing something useful with your life.” Fuck that. “You shouldn’t be wasting your time.” Fuck that, too.
Fuck should and shouldn’t. You have to just sit and let it be for today, or it will demand for more attention tomorrow, with more fire in its belly.
Sometimes Even if You Lose, You Win
You don’t have to decide right now if you don’t want to. Let all thoughts and feelings sink and settle at the bottom. The ones that are light will rise up where it’s bright.
Get some sun, perhaps. It might help a little. And you must remember that perhaps it was a wasted day, but that doesn’t mean a defeated life. You may lose a few battles, but you can still win this war.
You can even fold your cards and give in to depression for a round or two, when it is obvious that playing a drawn out game with it will only end in bigger losses.
As Eliezer Wiesel said, “There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.”
Hang in there and see it through. At the end of it all, you will understand why, but you mustn’t give up now. Not today, not tomorrow, not until time is ready for you.
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*Note: This article is meant for educational purposes and is based on the author’s personal experiences. It is not to be substituted for medical advice. Please consult your own doctor before changing or adding any new treatment protocols.
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